Suffering, myths and misinformation blossom after a death by suicide. It's an especially painful time, often endured in silence and loneliness. Questions, guilts and worries abound, yet family and friends may be hesitant to express them. Feelings of fear and abandonment are complicated by the social stigma associated with a person choosing to end his life. And so, the power of suicide continues.

As the eighth leading cause of death in the United States (National Center for Health Statistics, 1989), suicide is noted as the cause of 35,000 deaths a year. And, it is thought that these reported suicides may account for as little as one-fourth of the actual suicides that occur. Thousands of deaths each year may be misclassified as automobile or shooting accidents, heart attacks, accidental drug overdoses, or unintentionally fatal combinations of drugs and alcohol.

Suicide affects all ages, sexes, and races. It affects rich families and poor families. Suicide happens in persons of all faiths, regions of the country and nationalities. Males tend to commit suicide three to four times more often than females. Even more frightening is the fact that it is a primary cause of death in young people ages 15-25. During the last 20 years, suicide among young persons has tripled. Suicide in the elderly is also on the rise in the US.

If these are the facts, why do we still believe that suicide is relatively rare? This and many other myths still exist. Suicide is sometimes seen as a single act while, in truth, it is part of a process. Misinformation, like believing anyone who commits suicide must be insane, is common. Many families face the extension of this belief, that insanity always "runs in families." Thus, all the family may be thought to be mentally unbalanced. The truth is that suicide is not inherited and not all family members are prone to committing suicide.

Survivors may repeatedly attempt to understand the thinking of the deceased as they considered ending their life. Incredible efforts may be made to make sense of this event, to find answers to frustrating questions. There are no simple, clear-cut answers. There is no one way to view this act of a person willfully taking her or her own life. Understanding some of the dynamics of suicide may help a survivor develop some sense of peace, a feeling of being able to live with the unanswered questions.

If someone close to you has ended his own life, you may feel very alone, even abandoned. The deceased's friends and family are sometimes shunned, avoided, ostracized or ignored after the death, as though they were to blame for the person?s acts. Someone who has been thought of as a friend for years may suddenly not call or come around.

Having difficulty dealing with their own emotions and thoughts about suicide, many people are unable to be supportive of the bereaved. So, like the ripple effect, you may be suffering the emotional and social loss of friends as well as the death of your loved one. Learning something about suicide and understanding your own emotions may help ease your grief.

Suicide is most often associated with unhappiness, despair and depression. But, why a person is unhappy, why he or she decides to die, and how this person views his or her life is affected by multiple factors. What our culture expects, our religious beliefs, the way our society views roles, and our past personal and family histories become important in understanding a person's choice of suicide. And, how families perceive the act is colored by these same differences and beliefs.

Because of these varied and multiple features, the act of suicide can be viewed as part of a painful process for both the person and the survivors. It is a process where feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness and worthlessness may be overwhelming.

Dr. John Morgan lists several characteristics of a death by suicide. It is sudden and seldom anticipated. We may question our inability to notice how our loved one?s suffering was leading to suicide. What may be hard to accept is that it could have been our very affection for this person which prevented us from seeing the reality of the situation. Usually, we were not indifferent, but unable to see the person's suffering because of the pain it causes in us. It's a natural instinct for humans to turn away from pain.

It is often violent. Although the act itself may not have been violent, suicide shreds our ideas about what is natural in life. It challenges how we expect life to be. This is especially true when a child or younger person takes his life.

It takes place in the presence of other stresses. More often than not, other problems co-exist with the suicide attempt. Finances, relationships, changes, personalities, perceptions of life and death are commonly associated with suicide. To the person, suicide is seen as an answer to a problem, not as a problem itself. Death itself is not the major factor. Death is seen as a way of stopping a painful, consuming state of living. They perceive it is no longer possible or desirable to live.

It increases feelings of regret and guilt in survivors. Possible "signs" of the anticipated suicide may seem more evident after the death. The need to replay the past events, to ask "what if..." and "why..." questions, to blame ourselves for past actions which we think may have contributed to the person?s feelings of despair, and to blame ourselves for not being present when the person died are all "normal" responses in grieving. In suicide, these guilts could also be because the person actually reached out to you in the time preceding the death and you were not there. Or perhaps you believe you "should" have removed the instrument of suicide and so might have prevented it from happening. Or you may view suicide as a sin.

Or maybe you felt a kind of relief when the death occurred. Feeling relieved is not uncommon. It may have been very painful and disruptive just being in a relationship where the person repeatedly attempts suicide. Being out of that relationship may be desirable, even though very intense pain is not experienced because of the death.

Survivors may experience a loss of control and a flood of emotions. Anger at ourselves and at the person, anger at God, and anger at the situation leading to the suicide may all surface. Feelings of sadness, regret, shame, disgrace, isolation, abandonment, and resignation may be overwhelming. Talking it out and writing it on paper are helpful tools for expressing these confusing and often intense emotions.

So, what helps us get through this painful time? Where do we turn? What do we do? Helpful steps can be taken for ourselves and others grieving a death by suicide.

Don't deny your feelings.

Get help from a friend or counselor who can be more objective than your are being. Friends, although wonderful and willing, may not be enough in the case of understanding suicide. Professional help from clergy or counselors can help you get things into perspective, can help lighten your burden, and can help you assess the past and the future. Attending a support group meeting for survivors of suicide can give helpful information, too.

Understand that your reactions to the suicide, your healing, and your coping skills are unique. Allow yourself to grieve and mourn in your own way. But, remember that we have to make a decision to keep going.

Try not to criticize yourself too harshly for your behavior toward the person when he or she was alive. Facing our unrealistic expectations is difficult but necessary. We must forgive ourselves for being unable to do more than we were able to do. To think we could have prevented the suicide is assuming a lot. Persons who intend to complete a suicide are likely to find a way to do it, in spite of our efforts to prevent it.

Determine to go on with your life. Your loved one cannot be helped any more, but you can help yourself and even help someone else. Making this decision, though frightening and extremely painful, is necessary. Being stuck in grief results in bitterness, disappointment and illness. Is this what you want for your life?

Make a difference in someone else's life. Talk about suicide and the pain it holds. Help others to understand it is not a rare occurrence. Help someone alive now get help for their depression and despair. Try to make a difference; it's not too late for someone else.

Realize that suicide was his or her choice, not yours. Accepting this comes in steps, often too small to notice at first. Over time and with consistent work, you can work towards accepting this both in your head and in your heart. Truly understanding your powerlessness to make a decision for someone else is a giant step in forgiving yourself and the person who took his life.

Stop wishing for what could have been. Realize the reality of what was. Although a difficult thing to do, take a close look at how this death has affected your life and your choices. This reality is particularly brutal when violence was involved with the death. But the fact is, you are a changed person since this event. What you become now is up to you, but there is help available to achieve whatever you want. Put new meaning in the death of your loved one by surviving and thriving this most painful time.

In closing, be reminded that The Mourning After Program can be a resource for you. We are available to talk with you, give you materials which you may find useful and help you sort out the confusion after suicide. Understanding the facts, defusing the power of the myths, and sorting out the truth from misinformation are difficult tasks to be done alone.

References

"Helping A Suicide Survivor Heal". Pamphlet by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Center for Loss and Life Transition, Fort Collins, CO.

"Grief After Suicide". Pamphlet by National Selected Morticians. Published my Mental Health Association in Waukesha County, Inc., Waukesha, WI.

Grollman, Dr. Earl A. Suicide: Prevention, Intervention, Postvention. Boston, MA: Beacon Press, 1988.

Morgan, Dr. John D. The Dying and the Bereaved Teenager. Philadelphia, PA: Charles Press, 1990. Pp. 125-139.

Sorum, Dr. William and Dr. William Swanson. "Suicide: The Major Cause of Death for Persons 15-25". Pamphlet by Mental Health Association in Louisiana.

Staudacher, C. Beyond Grief. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 1987. Pp. 173-193.

"Suicide". Borgatta, Edgar F. and Marie L. Borgatta, editors. Encyclopedia of Sociology, Vol. 4. Pp. 2111-2119.

SMHAI Home | About Suicide | About Mental Health | Suicide Prevention | Suicide Survivors
Suicide Attempters | Self-Injury - Cutters | Crisis | Donate | SMHAI Library | Online Support & Resources
Speakers & Presentations | Memorials, Remebrances & Celebrations Of Life | Healing Music
Suggested Reading - Survivors | Suggested Reading - Attempters & Self-Injurers | Mental Health Pros.
Upcoming Events | Dr. Roerich's Welcome | Ann Gay's Welcome | Legal & About SMHAI
Privacy Policy | Copyright Notice | Awards Honoring SMHAI | SMHAI Awards Program | Contact

© SMHAI 2004 - 2006 All Rights Reserved.
No copying or redistribution without expressed written permission of SMHAI.
Logo Design by Allen R. Jacobson.
Site launched July 01, 2004.