Authorities claim that survivors of the suicidal death of a loved one are an isolated and neglected group with unique problems and needs.

Since the middle ages the suicide victim and surviving family members have been labeled as weak, sinful, criminal, or disgraceful. The resulting stigma, misconceptions, and social rejection have caused the grief after suicide to be one of the most stressful and difficult of all grief processes to resolve in an open and constructive manner.

We have developed no accepted norms, no "right things to say" to comfort these people. The time when they most need comforting is when their grief is compounded by questions, confusion, and self-doubt - and yet denial or secrecy is apparently the only alternative readily available to them at this critical period.

Just as the potential suicide victim often struggles alone with a sense of hopelessness and despair, the grief-stricken may also suffer alone. Just as the feeling of rejection may be a motive for suicide; the fear of rejection may also be a deterrent to coping with the circumstances following suicide.

Unresolved feelings of anger, guilt, denial, shame, disbelief, and failure may cause dissension and disruption within the lives of families and friends for months - sometimes for years. Case studies show the newly-bereaved "survivor-victim" to be at heightened risk to accidents, multiple operations, alcoholism, illness, emotional disturbances, malnutrition, to early death from other causes and to a variety of conditions related to depression or self-neglect.

Statistics show another death by suicide within the family is often a possibility. There is no perfect solution to these problems - only insights and ideas which experiences have shown to be helpful.

This booklet is an effort to present some of these helpful insights and ideas.

Grief

Shock and disbelief mark the beginning of any grief process following the death of a loved person. As awareness of the loss increases, survivors may experience painful pining and sorrow, often evidenced by a feeling of weakness, heavy sighing , restlessness, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, confusion, forgetfulness, and/or uncontrollable crying.

The bereaved may experience very real physical pain, for intense grief does indeed hurt. It is normal to search for the deceased - affirming his or her absence - to be preoccupied with photos, belongings, and memories. The sufferer may feel bitter, angry, and cheated, worry about the future, and wonder how to bear life without this loved one. There may be regret over things said and unsaid, done and undone; there may be guilt about feeling angry at being left alone. Identification with the deceased may occur to some degree - taking on traits of the lost one, continuing his /her unfinished work, etc.

For a while, the grieving person may withdraw socially because of feelings of being different or burdensome - needing to be with others, yet wanting to be alone. Months after the death the bereaved person slowly begins to function normally, although duration of the grief process depends greatly upon the success of the "grief work." In the last stage of the grief-recovery process the bereaved begins making plans and enjoying life even though sadness and the sense of loss return from time to time.

After Suicide Grief

As soon as the suicide occurs, the surviving group has lost an inalienable right to live an unstigmatized life. -- Dr. Edwin Shneidman

Doubtless, the death of any loved person is a traumatizing event for the survivors, complicated by a deeply personal and individual recovery process; but after a death by suicide, the grief process is earmarked from the beginning by unique characteristics which both survivors and helpers should recognize.

Denial and Repression:

Suicide survivors experience shock not only because the death has occurred but because it is unnatural. We expect people to die from old age, illness, accidents, even acts of war, but we don't expect a person to die by his or her own hand. "She/he shouldn't have died that way!" is the cry afterward.

As a result, initial denial and repression may occur, according to Dr. Albert C. Cain, author of Survivors of Suicide, who points out that people react to this shock in a variety of ways: confused memory, anxiety, feelings of dread and horror, contradictions, fantasy, and even deliberate lies.

Some survivors refuse to discuss the death at all or may engage in half-truths about the event. Some people refuse to believe that a suicide has occurred, rather insisting it was an accident or accusing the police of hiding facts. Often people have greater difficulty in accepting the death weeks or even months later than they would in accepting a death by other causes.

Search for Meaning:

Survivors experience a desperate need to find a reason for the death. In the case of illness or accident - even though the death may have been untimely or tragic - we know the cause; but with suicide (even when a note is found) we can never be really sure of the reason. There is always a nagging question about the degree of our own involvement.

How are we to resolve it? Some people shut out all talk or interpretation of the event, while others replay the event over and over, searching for an answer to the question "Why?" Dr. Cain points out that many survivors struggle alone over the perplexity of it and "the fit of the experience itself into the larger order of life.?

This floundering search is the most crucial of all aspects of the grief process, because one must arrive at an acceptable understanding of the experience before one can properly begin to cope with the loss or to progress through the "grief work."

Survivors need to remove the aura of shame and restore a sense of dignity to the memory of the person as well as to repair their own shattered sense of self-worth and self-esteem. This needs to be resolved or it may result in....

Incomplete Mourning:

Compound this search for meaning with denial, guilt, shame, anger, concealment, and evasions, withdrawal of social and family support, subtle accusations, stigma and taboo, lack of reassurance, and the absence of a chance to share one's grief with others, and the grief work can become severely crippled if not altogether destroyed. Survivors may then become subject to the destructive effects and results of unresolved grief.

Depression and Self-Destruction:

In his work with survivors, Dr. Cain has found these forces characterized by self-hatred, apathy, withdrawal, sadness, despair, rage, and a myraid of self-neglectful behaviors. This self-destructiveness stems from unmet yearnings and unresolved grief. Implied disapproval and lack of empathetic understanding may drag survivors deeper into a depression from which some never recover, or into a pattern of continued self-destructive acts including suicidal behavior.

Increased Anger:

Survivors struggle with anger:

(1) at one's self for having played a part in bringing about one's own misery,

(2) at the suicide victim for having deliberately left the survivor alone and burdened with this sense of guilt, rejection, and desertion, and

(3) at others for the social branding and sometimes outright ostracism.

Survivors feel angry at not having been given a chance to intervene, angry because they are now forced to face both old and new problems alone and to build structures for a new life neither asked for nor wanted. This anger is very intense, but there is no socially acceptable way to express it.

Identification with the Suicide Victim:

This is a time of reidentification of one's self and a shifting of roles within the family. Survivors may experience a "knowing" of the victim's thoughts or feelings; they believe they know exactly what the deceased thought or felt just prior to death. This identification may go as far as imitation of the suicide act.

Some feel they can atone for their neglect of the victim by copying the suicidal behavior. This identification may be greatly intensified if there were conflicts or disturbed relationships prior to the death, or if the survivor depended upon the deceased for his or her own sense of identity.

Importance of Anniversaries:

Suicide family survivors place greater emphasis on suicide-death anniversaries. They may dread, or look forward to the date as a day of mourning. Especially crucial are anniversaries for each of the first six months; one year; eighteen months; and, for some, the second year. People strongly identifying with the deceased may choose an anniversary for their on death.

Withdrawal from Social Life:

Mingled with doubt and distrust is the need to be with people. There is a hunger to be welcome - included - but conversation and activities simply take too much energy. Fearful of closeness, survivors withdraw, playing out object separation, ie., "the repetitive need to reenact separations, drive loved objects away, replay experiences of estrangement and reunion."

The resulting withdrawal of others completes the isolation and repeats the act of loss, reinforcing a possible concept of worthlessness, of being eternally unsure of self or others. Survivors lose emotional and social support when it is most needed, and continued isolation (even implicit accusation) is common. Widows often refuse to remarry, feeling that they are somehow eternally scarred.

Profound Sense of Shame:

Survivors feel emotionally naked and can make no excuses - "Someone preferred death to living with me." People feel others are making the same judgment about them, and often they are. This leaves the survivor with a badly damaged self-concept. An acute sense of worthlessness compounds the feeling of abandonment, since the other person chose to leave.

Memories:

Many survivors are haunted by the vivid recollection of finding the body or of scenes of violence mingled with confusion and/or conflict prior to the death. Perhaps there were agonizing hours of waiting on the chance that the victim might still live. Many resent the seemingly cold, accusing attitude of investigating officers and medical or emergency teams. These memories are relived and replayed through the survivor's conscious and unconscious, often leading to the most devastating of all aspects of after-suicide-grief - which is...

Guilt:

Again blame enters the picture. Survivors search for someone or something to blame. Who? The victim? Friends? Family? Each other? One self?

Survivors remember all they said and did, and conflicting thoughts whirl in their heads. "Why didn't I know?" "Idid know." "Icould have prevented it, but I didn't. Why?" There's a feeling that others should acknowledge and share in the blame.

Dissension may occur within a family as members attempt to select "who was at fault" in order to pass on the burden of blame. This is a common occurrence in "suicidogenic families," according to Dr. Joseph Richman, author of Suicide and the Family. Some people feel guilt because they don't feel guilty, but rather are relieved that the nagging complaints have ceased.

More often, parents, children, and spouse feel directly responsible. Guilt compounds itself, and often what are actually feelings of regret may be interpreted as guilt. Guilt may complicate all stages of the grief process; resolution of guilt is paramount to health grief recovery.

What About Children?

Studies show that children may suffer severely from the suicide death of a loved person. Depending upon their age, they may know more about death than we realize. Prior to age six a child may believe the dead person is capable of returning.

Sometime after that, a more accurate understanding of death usually develops. The death of any parent is crucial to a child, and studies show the loss of a father prior to adolescence (through death, divorce, or emotional estrangement) is especially stressful for boys. If that death occurs by suicide the effect on the child can be devastating, possibly resulting in the development of self-destructive behavior patterns and/or eventual imitation of the parent's action.

If a child has wished a parent or sibling dead during a disagreement and the object of the wish then dies, the child may believe his or her thoughts were actually powerful enough to kill. The child may feel directly responsible. "I wished Daddy would die and he did." Wishes like this are more likely to occur if conflict and quarreling exists within the family, thus compounding the likelihood of guilt feelings.

Meeting a child's questions with half-truths, evasions, and outright lies tends to increase the child's suspicions and anxiety, and add confusion to the natural storehouse of self-doubt, anger, guilt, and fear.

Forcing a child to repress feelings over a loss prevents him or her from learning to adapt to the change loss brings about. In either case, a potential mentally or physically explosive situation may be created. A child who has witnessed marital arguments may blame the surviving parent for the death, or hold that parent responsible for not preventing it. The child needs to know other factors were at work.

Most important is a loving attitude on the part of the surviving parent and other family members to ease the sense of helplessness and the frightening feeling of responsibility. the child desperately needs an affirmation of life from those around him/her to dispel morbid thoughts as well as the child's own death wishes.

Studies shoe some grown children of suicided parents seldom experience a day in which they don't think about their parent's death or fantasize their own suicide.

Obviously, whatever is told to the child is determined by his/her age and ability to comprehend. Most people feel comfortable responding honestly and directly to the child's inquiries, simply answering only what is asked, pointing no fingers of blame, trying not to instill anger or divided loyalties, and admitting "I don't know" when they don't - -but being willing to say, "Let's talk about it" or "What do you think?"

How to Help Yourself

Learn all you can about the causes of suicide; it will help you understand what happened and why. Information can be obtained from libraries, crisis centers, mental health centers, and funeral directors.

Learn all you can about what to expect during your grief-recovery process. Many good books on grief are available in addition to literature from the sources listed above.

Realize that:

It may take a long time to recover; you will forget, never again be the same person, but you can find life to be meaningful.

Your need to search for meaning is justified and the search is necessary. It is mental and verbal replay of events which begins to make order of the events. This is not "a morbid dwelling on the grisly details" but an action which examines, interprets, and gains insights.

You may dread anniversaries, but apprehension may be worse than the actual day's arrival.

Searching for the deceased is normal; it affirms physical absence. Once the searching instinct is satisfied, we often find we still have the relationship but on a different level. Somehow, in releasing grief, we may find our loved one, as did C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed.

Find a way to express anger constructively. Anger is natural and justified. The person did leave you with old and new burdens to handle alone. That's not saying it was right or wrong - but only that it happened and you are angry about it.

Understand the guilt. Don't be afraid to face it, admit it, and explore it - that's the only way to resolve it. You can't cement over a volcano and expect it to stop boiling. The same is true of guilt. Denying guilt does not make it disappear; it continues to churn inside. Denial retards healing. It is not validity of guilt which is important at this time but simply how you feel.

Consider that holding on to guilt may be a way of controlling things. For example, "I can't control or prevent suicide from happening but I can control how I feel, and by golly, I'm going to feel guilty."

Guilt may be used as an excuse to keep from changing or doing something about the situation. Guilt can also become a habit. sometimes guilt can be a way of gaining approval: "See how good I am - I'm feeling guilty."

Most of us are willing to throw off the guilt once we have suffered enough, but why wait - lay out your guilt and take a painfully honest look at it. Perhaps there is some validity to your feelings.

If so, admit it to others or to God if that is helpful to you. Confession may be the catharsis you need to begin healing. Again, its your need which is important - not determining the "right or wrong" of that need.

Don't be afraid to express grief and emotions. Grief is emotional and is the natural reaction to a significant loss. Find a time or place where you can cry and make use of it. Plan a time to cry and do it. It also helps to talk about the loss, experience it, and perhaps write about it. Believe that in due time the painful reliving will give way to pleasant memories.

Tell people when you need to talk or cry. Ask them to be understanding, to mention your loved ones name, to recall events and his/her characteristics. You need time to grieve and the supportive comfort of others when you do. Let them know that you need them.

Claim your right to grieve. It is your loss, and you must grieve if you are to heal. Reliving and experiencing the pain of grief is something akin to childbirth pain. You know you must suffer through it in order to gain the relief and joy beyond. With each grieving episode, the pain becomes less intense, of shorter duration, and less frequent. To lose your right to grieve is to suffer yet another loss.

Learn to recognize defense mechanisms so you can tell when you are using them. Listen to yourself to see if you are denying, being realistic, making excuses or justifying. Examine your own attitudes objectively.

Allow yourself to be concerned, but not overly concerned, with the "right or wrong" of the event - the "all black or all white" of the nature of things. You need to exercise a certain amount of proclaiming that "it was wrong" or "this is right," but don't allow yourself to fall into the copping-out game of placing individual blame or making excessive judgments.

That will eventually hurt you and others even more. Rather, direct your energy to learning, growing, and finding a newer and richer meaning in the lives of others as well as your own. Refuse to let that death be for nothing.

How to Help Others

Learn all you can about the causes of suicide and the grief process of the survivors. Recognize and understand that:

The survivor's need to search for meaning is justified and necessary. This need must be satisfied before survivors can fully cope with the loss and get to the business of grief work. Help them accomplish this by being willing to listen to the story told over and over. It makes no difference how often they tell the same story, or whether the story varies.

It is the involvement in replaying the events - struggling to understand and accept within one's own frame of reference - in which the survivor finds a fixed sense of what happened. This is a way of working toward self-image of both the victim and one's self, and it may take many months - or years.

Recovery may take longer following a death from suicide. It's true that time usually does ease the pain, but let survivors recover at their own pace. Each person is timed differently and must follow his or her inner messages. Don't tell people how you would grieve if it were you - They know how and when they need to grieve. Be patient; it's their grief. Give them permission to own it.

Searching for the deceased is a normal part of the process. It takes time to completely comprehend and accept a loved one's physical absence.

Remember anniversaries: contact survivors on the date of the death each month for at least six months, and also the first and second year. Death anniversaries are very important to suicide survivors. Don't be afraid o mention to the bereaved persons that you know the anniversary is approaching. They will be grateful to you for remembering. Also remember the deceased's birthday. Mention his or her name from time to time, and recall the little things. It may provoke tears but they will be thankful, healing tears.

Don't be afraid to ask survivors if they are having suicidal thoughts. They may welcome the opportunity to discuss the topic and will appreciate your concern. You won't be "putting something in someone's head" if it wasn't already there. If a person is having suicidal thoughts you can guide him/her to professional care and maybe save a life (as well as your conscience).

Realize that denial, anger, and guilt are much stronger in the survivors of a suicide and needs to be vented. Let them talk freely about their anger and guilt. They need only to ventilate. There is no need to argue about who is or isn't really guilty, or how much guilt one should or shouldn't feel.

It is important to consider only "How guilty do you feel you are? Let's talk about it. Tell me how you feel." Don't try to convince survivors they should not feel anger or guilt - that is only your opinion, and perhaps you are protecting yourself by trying to avoid the subject. They know how they feel; perhaps it is out of proportion, but they must see that for themselves rather than be told. Most people will begin to sort things into proper perspective after they have a chance to put it out where they can see and examine it through discussion with concerned others.

Social response to the survivors of suicide is often influenced by subtle stigma, causing survivors to withdraw, make a special effort to encourage others in the family and community to offer comfort and support. This will allow survivors to use others as support for building a new life-style; helping to develop and reinforce coping strengths they already possess.

Grieving persons carry a triple burden: their loss, acceptance of self-inflicted death, and the struggle to reshape a new life-style. They need to rely on family and community all that much more and will feel abandoned if that need fails to be met.

Listen. If a survivor is very disturbed, professional help should be sought; but aside from that, the best you can do for survivors is to offer sympathetic understanding and a listening ear. Allow them to open their hearts; don't be threatened by emotion. People don't want advice as much as they need to air their feelings in an accepting, nonjudgmental, nonpatronizing atmosphere. We are able to discuss broken arms and legs - why not broken hearts?

The Do's And Don'ts of Listening

Dr. Abraham Schmitt, author of The Art of Listening with Love, says that such love can transform people and relationships. This kind of listening, he says, can free the speaker to search deeper and deeper for a more full understanding and admiration of himself. Listening is then a great act of love at that moment, for it makes the other person more whole."

Far too often we are worried about our ability to say the right thing rather than we are about a giving an understanding ear to the mourner. we feel we must offer deep philosophical or theological thoughts to the bereaved when a hug, a handshake, a deep look into the eyes, or our presence is all that is needed. By your presence, you affirm that they are not alone. Just as joy shared is joy increased, grief shared is grief diminished.

In the case of death by suicide, there are some very definite things you can do or not do, say or not say:

DO...

Really care enough to listen. You can't fake caring and concern.

Tell the person that you care and are available should he/she need you; the be available. Don't tell others, "Well, I'd really like to help____________, but he/she won't listen to what I say." Make sure that's not a cop-out for not really caring and/or a cover-up for indifference, or for trying to control and dominate. Sometimes it can be an unconscious attempt on our part to look good to bystanders. Encourage bereaved persons to tell what they feel, rather than to prescribe how they should feel. A sufferer must find his or her own natural, honest expression of grief.

Be trustworthy. Don't offer to listen if you aren't going to. Ask yourself why you want to listen. Don't use the other person's misery to satisfy a morbid curiosity of tour own. He or she will sense something is wrong and may later regret or resent having confided in you, and, consequently, both of you will suffer.

DON'T...

condemn

patronize

judge

argue

blame

advise

criticize

ignore

laugh or jest

put off

put down - That's nothing. It's happened to others.

compete - Let me tell you how much more I've suffered.

lay on guilt trips - the survivor already feels guilty enough; don't add to the burden.

Don't remind the person of obligations to others. Often, that is already part of the problem. Depressed persons may feel acutely aware of an inadequacy in meeting responsibilities. Your harping on it will increase their sense of helplessness and feeling that, "I can't do anything right."

Don't dare or encourage someone to commit suicide on a mistaken notion that you will bluff them out of it. What they hear is that you just don't understand, or you are deliberately insensitive to what is really a desperate cry for help. Should they act on your suggestion, you could be charged as an accomplice to murder in some places.

To do any of the above to a sufferer is insensitive; to ignore the cry for help is cruel; to dare or encourage the suicide threat can be criminal.

ASK YOURSELF...

Do I resent his/her plea for attention? Why? Is my own need for attention so great that I am jealous of someone who needs or asks for it?

Am I more concerned with seeing this person's pain relieved, or am I making this conversation a power struggle because my concern is my own need to control?

Am I blaming him/her excessively - am I projecting my own feelings onto someone else because I can't face them myself?

Do I regard the survivor or grieving person as I do rather than asking, Why is he or she acting that way? DON'T SAY...

I know just how you feel. (No, you don't.)

Don't worry, you can have more children. (That's cruel.)

You're young, you'll get married again. (Bad timing.)

You just have to forget he/she ever existed. (Dumb.)

Anyone who commits suicide is weak. (Sometimes it takes more strength to die than to live.)

Well, it was God's will, you know. (That may not be the healing balm you mean it to be.)

They are in hell now - all people who commit suicide are demon-possessed. (How do you know?)

Don't talk about it. (Why not? The survivor is experiencing an intense emotional crisis. Death is an inevitable part of the human experience. Mental health depends on the acknowledgment of tragedy - not the denial of it.)

Be brave! Don't cry! (Why not? Tears are a natural expression of grief, loneliness and longing, and a tribute to the one who is missed. Death carries many emotional overtones, and there is nothing shameful or unacceptable in acknowledging these feelings.) DO SAY...

I remember 'this' or 'that' about ___________. Single out some special interest of the deceased person or some attractive personality trait and comment on it.

I've never had this experience. Help me understand how you feel.

Let me know when you want to talk about it. I'll be ready to listen.

It's very difficult for some people to share deep feelings. They may fear being hurt, rejected, or ridiculed. Some have never experienced unconditional love from another and don't know how to accept it. Some people believe that talking won't help, that they are always misunderstood by others, so why try. Others think they have no worthwhile ideas to offer because of a poor self-image, so they withhold comments and personal feelings.

Be patient with these people - and be understanding. Their suffering may be compounded by their inability to communicate, and you may have to take the lead more than once.

ADDITIONAL TIPS...

Give verbal indication that you sense the person's feelings. Be interested and show it.

Listen intently. Hearing is passive. Listening takes mental effort and is active.

Put yourself in that person's shoes - sense how he/she feels. Give the other person the benefit of doubt.

Suspend your own feelings; don't make prejudgments which can shut out new messages.

Ask - "What is this person really telling me?" Avoid jumping to conclusions.

Let him or her know you understand.

Let him or her know if you don't understand. Repeat what he/she said - use feeling words to describe emotions - interpret what you hear. Get feedback.

Focus on main issues and avoid being distracted by details.

Say - "I hear you saying thus and so. Am I right?"

Practice this until you can reflect back to the person what has been shared with you. Confirm what has actually been said.

If you feel you must say something, point out that, although tragic, suicide is not something shameful to be hidden away. Dealing with it openly can help restore survivors' shattered lives to wholeness.

It is the expression and sharing of the grief reaction itself which helps to bring about an acceptable understanding and emotional healing.

It is through the sharing and passing along of our healing to someone in similar need that our own healing is completed. By turning the grief process into a growth experience, we can find meaning in a senseless tragedy and hope for our own future.

WHAT ABOUT GOD?

I realize that God, forgiveness, and salvation are not the concern of all survivors, but for many these are very pressing concerns. "Is suicide an unforgivable sin?" "Where is my loved one now?" "Is he/she doomed to eternal damnation?" "Is there a ray of hope for that person?" "For me?"

I can offer no definite answers - I can only share what helped me as a Christian (I am not knowledgeable about other doctrines); the comfort I found from scripture and from empathetic others.

Any doubt and anxiety about Bill's "state of grace" at the time of his death was put to rest when someone pointed out to me that I had no way of knowing what sort of spiritual confrontation took place in the split-second from the time Bill pulled the trigger until total blackness took over. Nor do I know the duration in time of that confrontation - perhaps one's eternity cannot be measured by our limited human concept of time. I only know that my God, as I know Him, is a just and loving God.

I gained further peace of mind in recalling that early Christians prayed for the salvation of souls of departed brother and sister Christians following their deaths - whether by Roman assassination or by self-inflicted means. The point again is not whether my similar prayer was valid or beneficial but that it gave me a meaningful activity in which to participate.

I examined five suicides recorded in scripture and in none of these cases could I find eternal damnation or judgment to be explicit. For example: King Saul's suicide was culturally acceptable action in that historical era. It was custom for a defeated ruler or military leader to die honorably by his own hand rather than to face humiliation and torture at the hands of the victorious enemy. Even Judas's condemnation is not committing suicide but for the betraying his Christ.

One can rightfully argue that the 5th commandment, "Thou shalt not kill," certainly applies to killing one's self as well as another, yet we are told that forgiveness is extended to even this sinner (a murderer) when it is sought. The 5th century church father, St. Augustine, decreed suicide an unpardonable sin because he believed there was no opportunity for repentance.

I believe there is an ambivalence in the scripture about the state of the suicided person, and perhaps that is for the best. If suicide were definitely condoned as an acceptable way of coping with stress, many more valuable lives would be needlessly destroyed. On the other hand, if suicide were explicitly condemned, then the Biblical image of a just and compassionate God would be shattered.

When we consider that suicide, broadly speaking, is behavior which influences the time and method of one's own death - which includes all forms of deliberate self-destructive behavior such as substance abuse, obesity, self-pity, anger, fear, worry, accident-proneness, and an uncalculated risk-taking - then the vast majority of mankind would fall under this judgment. Where would that leave hope?

I believe the very necessary silence itself concerning suicide produces a necessary ambivalence which allows for a ray of hope - both for the victim and the sufferer.

Dear Survivor, Some people, it seems, possess a special sensitivity to experiencing both the pains and joys of life to an intolerable edge. Iris Bolton has said that when one absorbs so much of the world there is a tremendous need to express it. Some search for this expression - others choose escape.

Death, it has been said, is the other side of birth. Death can also give meaning to life; a meaning which may escape you now while your grief is so fresh and raw, but which may bring a special quality of peace within some day. Once you have discovered this new inner strength, you will know that you can survive anything. But for now you may be a kaleidoscope of mixed thoughts and feelings.

Despair, longing, anger, guilt, frustration, questions, and even understanding will tumble over each other, striving for but not quite reaching comprehensible shape and sense. You seek relief; you need to heal. It is a journey - and you must work at it. And so - cry: The pain is real and the tears are healing. Often you must struggle through an emotion to reach peace and relief beyond.

Grief is the natural response to loss, and tears are a natural expression of grief. And so - talk: Talk to one another about your loss and pain. Don't hide or deny real feelings. Tell others that you need them to take care of you. Ask others to allow you to help them understand. Talk. The more you deny your feelings or wrap yourself in silence, the more destructive power those feelings will claim over you.

And so - search: Over and over you will ask, "Why?" Although you may never find the answer, it is still important to struggle with the question. Eventually you will give up the search. When you can willingly let go of the need to question "why?" it will lose its hold on you.

And so - speak: Speak as often and freely of your lost loved one as you need to. He or she will always be a part of you. Not to speak of that person denies his or her existence; to speak of them affirms their life. Believe, that in time, the pain of loss fades and is replaced with precious memories to be shared.

And so - grieve: This time of sorrow can be used to draw a family together or pull it apart. Some of you may need to feel and express guilt so that eventually you will gain a more balanced view of your actual degree of responsibility. Some of you may need to give yourselves permission to feel and express anger even though you think it inappropriate.

Facing the reality of these feelings will help you realize that sometimes there is no right or wrong to a circumstance. It simply happened. And so - accept: Accept that in some strange way, his or her death may be a gift in the sense that it will enable you to reach out with new understanding, offering a new dimension of love to others, receiving, in turn, a new abundant life: not through the loss - but through the grieving, the growing - and surviving.

And so - become: Become the most you can become. Enter into a new dimension of self-identity and self-dependence as you come to love others more fully and unconditionally. In releasing love you allow it to return to you.

Become all that your loved one's death has given to you the freedom to become. I believe in a loving God who is with us, offering strength, guidance and solace as we struggle with our anguish. I believe that as we struggle to regain balance and meaning in a shattered life, we can come to see that death can indeed bring a new meaning to life. This is my prayer for you.

Betsy E. Ross 1984

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