It's in schools which say "there's no bullying here" that you are most likely to find bullying. Bullying happens in every school; good schools are proactive in their approach and deal with it promptly, firmly and fairly. Bad schools deny it, ignore it, justify it, rationalise it, handle it inappropriately, sweep it under the carpet, blame the victim of bullying, blame the parents of the victim of bullying, make lots of impressive noises but take no substantive action. Bad schools (through their local authority or board) spend large sums of taxpayer's money on expensive barristers to fend off legal actions for their negligence.

Ignore it

Never ignore bullying; bullies use provocation to get a response out of their target and if you ignore it the provocation will get worse. When people say "ignore it" they mean "don't engage and don't respond". When bullying starts, recognise it immediately, keep a log of events, do your research, and get your parents and teachers involved. Be persistent. You have a right not to be bullied, harassed, assaulted or abused.

Stand up for yourself

Funny how people who simply say "stand up for yourself" never, ever, tell you how to stand up for yourself. Even adults find it difficult to defend themselves against the onslaught of bullies, especially a serial bully.

Victims of bullying don't know how to defend themselves verbally or physically

Society, parents and schools do not teach children the skills of physical and verbal self-defence. This is because adults don't know how to do this either.

Victims of bullying become too flustered to deflect bullies with humour

Laughing at a mugger, rapist or paedophile will not deflect the actions of the mugger, rapist or paedophile. They might kill you for laughing at them though. A bully might kill you too, as Damilola Taylor found out. Bullies torment their prey for months, often years, and what appears like passiveness and fluster are more likely to be the outward signs of fear (of more violence), terror (of more violence), bewilderment (why me? [because you're available]), confusion (why don't the responsible adults fulfil their legal obligation of duty of care?) and trauma (cumulative psychiatric injury). Bullies are possessed of a verbal facility which is mistaken for intelligence but it's more about plausible lying, deception, cunning, superficial charm and a Teflon-like ability to evade accountability. Child bullies are adept at manipulating the perceptions of adults.

Victims of bullying typically do not retaliate

Children have it drummed into them from the moment they are born that they must not hit, punch, kick, bite, scratch, pull, push, poke or use any form of physical violence. Children are often punished - sometimes brutally and humiliatingly - for exhibiting any form of violent behaviour. Some adults then criticise children for not becoming violent when faced with a thug. Child targets of bullying also know (better than adults) that if they retaliate physically, the bully will feign victimhood (often with a convincing flood of tears) and the responsible adults will be fooled into believing that the target is the bully and the bully is the target. The (real) target is then punished by the adults whilst the bully looks on, enjoying every moment. Once the adults turn their backs, the bully starts on their target again. Targets are also people with high moral integrity, a well-developed sense of moral values, and a clear understanding of the need to resolve conflict with dialogue. This is how we teach children to behave and how society demands that children behave. We should therefore not be surprised when targets of bullying display their maturity by going to great lengths to resolve the violent acts committed towards them with dialogue rather than with fists or feet. Trying to resolving conflict with dialogue is a hallmark of integrity and strength of character. Bullying is a hallmark of lack of integrity and weakness of character.

Bullying toughens you up

Bullying is in the same league as harassment, discrimination, racism, violence, assault, stalking, physical abuse, sexual abuse, molestation and rape. It causes trauma and psychiatric injury and can, if untreated, cause a psychiatric injury of sufficient seriousness to blight a person for life, causing a poorer standard of health and preventing them realising their potential. The symptoms of psychiatric injury caused by bullying are consistent with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Bullying is a rite of passage we all have to go through

Some people claim that harassment, discrimination, racism, violence, assault, stalking, physical abuse, sexual abuse, molestation, rape and domestic violence are rites of passage but these are all unacceptable.

Bullying is part of life, you've just got to accept it

Harassment, discrimination, racism, violence, assault, stalking, physical abuse, sexual abuse, molestation, rape, domestic violence and murder are all part of life but these are all unacceptable.

There's no law against bullying so it must be OK

The fact that the law hasn't yet been updated to reflect the knowledge and needs of society is not an excuse. A socially unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable whether or not there's a law in place.

People who get bullied are wimps

People who are targeted by bullies are sensitive, respectful, honest, creative, have high emotional intelligence, a strong sense of fair play and high integrity with a low propensity to violence. Bullies (who lack such qualities) see these as vulnerabilities to be exploited. Sometimes, behind the stereotyped "victim", is a child with a higher-than-average level of emotional maturity and a capacity to communicate maturely with adults. I prefer the word "target" to indicate the deliberate and intentional choices that bullies make. The word "victim" allows the bullies' supporters to tap into and stimulate other's preconceived notions and prejudices of "victimhood".

Only weak people are bullied

Only the best are bullied. People who are targeted by bullies are sensitive, respectful, honest, creative, have high emotional intelligence, a strong sense of fair play and high integrity with a low propensity to violence. Bullies are driven by jealousy and envy and have an obsessive compulsion to torment and destroy anyone who is better than they are - which is most of the population.

Victims are unlikeable

Whilst it may be that in a small number of extreme cases the person targeted may have some allegedly undesirable characteristic, this is not a justification for committing violence against that person. Studies repeatedly show that 50-75% of children are bullied at school so the claim that up to three quarters of the population are "unlikeable" is self-evidently absurd. It is always bullies who are unlikeable, and it may be that people who make this claim are using projection.

Victims lack social skills

It is bullies who lack social skills and who are emotionally immature. Only emotionally immature people who lack social skills need to bully; no-one else needs to.

Victims blame themselves for their problems

Bullies control those they target by using disempowerment and by stimulating artificially high levels of fear, shame, embarrassment and guilt. This is true of all abusers whether they are school bullies, sexual harassers, violent partners committing domestic violence, or pedophiles. It is also standard psychopathic behaviour to reflect every attempt at accountability back onto the accuser.

Victims are afraid to go to school

This is a correct observation, but is a consequence, not a pre-existing condition. Most targets of bullying like to study but are prevented from doing so by the thuggery of bullies who enjoy causing harm to others. When a child is forced to attend school (under threat of sanction and prosecution of parents if they don't), and is forced to endure violent assault, intimidation and threat on a daily basis whilst the responsible adults repeatedly fail in their duty of care, it's hardly surprising that fear enters the equation.

Bullies are tough people

Bullies are weak, cowardly and inadequate people who cannot interact in a mature professional manner and have to resort to psychological violence (and, with child bullies, physical violence) to get their way. Only weak people need to bully.

Violence on TV makes children violent

A lot of people watch violence on TV but only a handful of people are violent. Therefore, TV violence is not a cause, otherwise everybody who watched TV violence would be violent, which they are not. Claims and calls to ban violence on TV make a good soap box for gaining attention for the person making the claim but it won't solve the problem. If you ban TV violence, violent people will still commit violence; all that will happen is that they will modify their chosen _expression of violence. It should be noted though that repeatedly watching scenes of violence can desensitise people, especially young people in their formative years.

Playing violent video games makes children violent

A lot of kids play violent video games but only a handful of children are violent. Therefore, violent video games are not a cause, otherwise everybody who played violent video games would be violent, which they are not. Claims and calls to ban violent video games make a good soap box for gaining attention for the person making the claim but it won't solve the problem. If you ban violent video games, violent children will still be violent; all that will happen is that they will modify their chosen _expression of violence. It should be noted though that repeatedly interacting with violent games can desensitise young people, ie those at whom video games are targeted.

We operate a no blame approach here

This needs to be implemented carefully. In some cases, mainly the less serious ones, the bully can be turned into a buddy or protector; in other cases though, it would be like pairing a woman with her rapist or a child with their abuser. The bully must always be held accountable in a non-punitive way. Those bullies who then continue to bully will need to be monitored and subjected to increasingly greater sanction, including, ultimately, exclusion and legal remedy. When the no-blame approach is implemented inappropriately it can be like delivering an abused child into the custody of a paedophile.

We follow the academic model of classifying victims of bullying as passive victims, provocative victims, colluding victims, and false victims

This model uses only negative terms to describe "victims", thus perpetuating the false stereotypes of victims somehow deserving to be bullied. The mindset that believes this is the same mindset that believes that women who are raped must somehow be responsible for inviting the rape, and children who are sexually abused also share responsibility for the abuse. The four categories identify only a small proportion of targets (perhaps 5%) whilst ignoring the most common reason for being picked on: availability. Studies repeatedly reveal that up to 75% of children suffer bullying at school. Are three-quarters of the population passive, provocative, colluding or false? I think not. Bullies are physically violent, mentally violent and emotionally violent, and always pick on children who are physically smaller or less strong than themselves, have integrity, are respectful and non-violent.

Children who are bullied are passive

Bullies target children who are calm, dignified, responsible and respectful, communicate easily with adults, and have a level of emotional development which is years ahead of the bully (whose level of emotional development is nearer that of a 5-year-old - or less). Targets of bullying are also non-violent, have a very low propensity to violence, and prefer to resolve conflict with dialogue. Driven by jealousy and envy, bullies target children who have a higher-than-average emotional intelligence and who have high moral integrity which they're unwilling to compromise. Society, including parents and education systems, prefer children who are compliant, ie obedient, deferential, non-aggressive and quiet. This is regarded as "good behaviour" and thus indicative of a "good child" who is rewarded with approval. Children who are boisterous, ask lots of questions and who are reluctant to comply with the rules of the prevailing environment are labelled aggressive, disruptive and defiant; this is regarded as "bad behaviour" and thus indicative of a "bad child". When a "good child" is bullied, he or she is suddenly labelled "sensitive", "passive", "timid", "meek" or "wimp". Those behaviours which formerly brought approbation are suddenly misappropriated to revile the child for their unwillingness to use violence in the face of superior aggression. This is especially apparent in those cases where the responsible adults are failing to fulfil their legal responsibilities for duty of care towards the child who is being bullied.

Children who are bullied are shy loners

Children who are bullied are often self-reliant and independent. Their level of emotional development is such that they don't need to join gangs, form cliques, wear the "in" clothes, sport the latest gadgets, or indulge in classroom politics. The bully works hard to separate, exclude and isolate their victim, usually by threatening the victim's friends with violence.

You're too sensitive

Sensitivity is often wrongly given a negative connotation. Sensitivity is a mixture of dignity, respect, care, thoughtfulness, tolerance, dislike of violence, empathy, care and consideration for others. Anyone who is not sensitive is insensitive. Bullies are insensitive.

You shouldn't sue for bullying because it prolongs victimhood

Bullying is in the same league as domestic violence, sexual harassment, rape and paedophilia. Many child bullies go on to commit at least one of these offences as well as other antisocial acts. Scandinavian research shows that 60% of school bullies will have a criminal record by the age of 24. Prosecuting the perpetrators and holding accountable those who have failed in their duty of care is very different to "prolonging victimhood". Whilst there will always be a few people who abuse the law of tort for personal gain, it is disingenuous to confuse this small minority (who may themselves be bullies feigning victimhood) with the majority of genuine cases. "Victimhood" should not be used as a smokescreen for abdication and denial of responsibility and evasion of accountability.

Bullies are popular children

Bullies are often surrounded by other children, not through popularity but through fear. The bully is rarely able to sustain a friendship (which is based on trust, dependability, loyalty and mutual respect) but instead forms alliances which are part of their strategy for power and control. A hard look at the bully and his or her cohorts will reveal a gang or clique mentality in which true friendship is absent. Some children side with the bully because they gain sufficient bravado to act like bullies themselves - which they are too weak and inadequate to do without the bully - but most children side with the bully for fear of otherwise becoming a target. Those children who do not join the gang or clique are then targeted by the bullies who gain strength only from numbers.

Bullies have high self-esteem

People with high self-esteem manifest their high self-esteem in enjoying only positive interactions with others. Bullies have only negative interactions with others; negative interactions are a hallmark of low self-esteem. The claim that bullies have high self-esteem seems to be a misperception (viewed from a distance) of arrogance, certitude, self-assuredness, invulnerability, untouchability, rule through fear, narcissism etc.

Bullies are tough people and we need tough people to run society

At least six out of ten bullies go on to become criminals. There's much anecdotal evidence to suggest that children who bully at school and who get away with it go on to be bullies in the workplace; bullying at work costs industry and taxpayers billions of pounds every year.

You'll never get rid of bullying so let's concentrate on teaching victims assert themselves

It is sensible to teach everybody strategies of self-defence, however, this must not be used as a smokescreen for encouraging bullies by failing to hold them accountable. It's likely we'll never completely get rid of harassment, discrimination, racism, abuse, molestation, paedophilia etc but we must never give up trying. Problems like bullying are solved by identifying and dealing with the cause, not by trying to hide the effects. Unfortunately, many people - and especially the responsible adults who are abdicating and denying their legal obligations - like to focus exclusively on the targets of bullying, thus distracting attention away from the source of the problem.

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