Common survivor responses

According to research undertaken in 1998 by Lifeline Melbourne and the Victorian State Coroner's Office, some common responses to the suicide of a loved one include:

    * Remorse over lost opportunities

    * Anger at the person who suicided

    * Guilt over failed responsibilities, real or imagined

    * Isolation caused by a sense of self-imposed shame

    * Aloneness when others keep their distance

    * Anger toward those perceived to have contributed to the suicide

    * Awkwardness when others don't know how to respond

    * Shock associated with facing the traumatic and sometimes unexpected nature of death

    * Difficulty accepting that the death was by suicide

    * Fear that powerful grief reactions may not be normal

    * Difficulty making sense of the suicide.

The question 'why'

Survivors often grapple with the question of why their loved one chose to suicide. In many cases, the question is complicated and remains open-ended. Some of the reasons why some people suicide may include:

    * Mental illness, such as depression or schizophrenia

    * Chronic pain

    * Physical disability

    * Stress of certain life events.

The stages of grief

Survivors often report that the bereavement felt after a suicide is different to other bereavements. In addition to the powerful feelings of grief, a survivor may also grapple with anger, relief and guilt. Different people grieve in different ways. Family members need to give each other the space and understanding so that everyone can grieve in their individual ways. Some of the stages of grief may include:

    * Shock or numbness

    * Strong feelings of anger or confusion

    * Emotional withdrawal from others

    * Feelings of depression and loneliness

    * Difficulties with everyday routines, such as eating and sleeping

    * Guilt

    * In time, the strong feelings start to subside

    * The loss isn't always uppermost in the person's mind

    * The person can start finding meaning and purpose in their life.

Guilt is a common feeling

Many survivors feel overwhelmed with guilt. They may feel they should have picked up the warning signs, or else they blame themselves for things they did or didn't do in the time leading up to the suicide. Many survivors feel anger and betrayal. These are common and normal reactions.

Feelings of relief

Some people who suicide were affected by mental illness, such as depression, schizophrenia or severe personality disorders. Survivors who witnessed their suffering may feel a sense of relief that their loved one's torment is over. This is a normal reaction and survivors shouldn't feel guilty.

Negative reactions

A couple of centuries ago, people who took their own lives were routinely buried in 'unholy' ground outside of church-yard cemeteries, and their surviving family members were condemned by the community. Today, we may be horrified by such harsh and unfeeling treatment, but the taboo surrounding suicide still exists to some degree in Western countries. For example, some people may see suicide as a mark of failure. Others may not know how to respond to survivors because suicide is seen as a socially unacceptable cause of death. These attitudes could be conveyed to the survivors from unthinking people in their community, or else may be self-imposed. The guilt, pain and confusion felt by many survivors can be compounded by the shame they feel that their loved one suicided instead of 'facing their problems'.

Suggestions for survivors

Suggestions for dealing with the suicide of a loved one include:

    * Give yourself time to come to terms with your loss.

    * Try not to deny your feelings.

    * Remember that grief is a normal reaction, even when your feelings seem too intense to be normal.

    * Work through your feelings, alone and with others.

    * Support other family members.

    * Be vigilant about signs of depression or suicidal thoughts in yourself and other family members.

    * Be honest with children and explain the suicide in language appropriate to their age.

    * If friends seem awkward or don't know what to say, tell them what you need.

    * Accept that some friends won't be able to give you the kind of emotional support you need. Consider joining a support group in your area.

    * Anticipate that important events, such as birthdays and Christmas, will provoke strong feelings.

    * Seek professional bereavement counselling.

Things to remember

    * Some estimates suggest that around one in four people know someone who has taken their own life.

    * 'Survivors' is a term used to describe the family members and friends of a person who suicides.

    * Despite the prevalence of suicide, the social taboo surrounding this issue often means that survivors may feel stigmatised and alone.

    * Feelings of grief, anger, guilt, betrayal and relief are normal reactions.

    * Seek professional bereavement counselling and consider joining a support group.

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