When someone important to you dies, you grieve. Whenever you have any kind of loss, you need to grieve its disappearance from your life.

Grief means you have many reactions in widely contrasting combinations. These are healthy responses to loss and are an important part of the "work" you do to deal with your grief and move on in your life.

When you are grieving, it is important to look after your physical, as well as emotional, well-being. This is often forgotten or ignored when you are under stress and can have a great influence on your emotional healing after a major loss.

IN THE BEGINNING . . .

You may be in shock. You are bewildered, literally stunned. "I feel like a spectator in a play. But the drama is about me and the person I loved." You may feel numb all over, almost paralysed in a world of unreality.

You don't want to believe it. "It's a bad dream. When I wake up, I'll find it really didn't happen." Denial is when you secretly think or pretend your loved one will return and life will go on as before. It is so strange. You feel as if the death has not really occurred, even though you know it has. Many people need time before they can face the harsh truth. It is so hard to realise that in your lifetime you will never see or touch the person again.

Panic may set in. "What will happen to me?" "I'll never make it alone." "Why can't I get hold of myself?" You feel like you're losing control, panicking over things you used to do with confidence. "If only I could run away, somewhere, anywhere!"

LATER . . .

Emotional pain often brings physical distress. For example, inside your chest you may feel a sharp pain, as if a jagged rock is pressed against your ribs. You collapse, exhausted, into bed but cannot sleep. Food may have little taste for you. You eat only because you think you should. Or else, you just cannot stop eating. Your stomach may be tied in knots. Your back may be hurting. The pain is not imagined, it is real. Your body is feeling your emotional loss.

Many people become angry when someone close to them dies. "Why me?" "Why her?" "What did I do to deserve this?" Hostility is one of the most difficult emotions to handle. Many of us are taught as children that anger is an unacceptable feeling and we learn to hold it inside from a very early age. But feelings of rage do not magically go away.

SLEEP

Your sleep patterns will probably change during grief. While most people have trouble sleeping, some do sleep more. Dreams and nightmares are also part of the grieving process; a way of working through tough concerns and feelings.

SUGGESTIONS

    * Go to bed and get up at the same time every day, even weekends. Only use your bedroom for sleeping at night; nap elsewhere.

    * Keep the room temperature warm, rather than hot or cold.

    * Drink only herbal teas or decaffeinated beverages for at least five hours before bedtime, soft drinks, coffee, tea, chocolate and Anacin all contain caffeine.

    * Exercise daily, but not close to bedtime.

    * Try curling up with a pillow or soft stuffed animal, lie on your side with a pillow behind your back, use earplugs or a pillow over your exposed ear to block out sounds.

    * Don't try to force sleep. Use mind games (count sheep, recall a pleasant time, plan a trip, plot a novel). If unsuccessful after 30 minutes, get up and do something pleasant and relaxing.

    * If the bedroom has too many memories, sleep temporarily in another room, rearrange furniture or redecorate, sleep on your partner's side of the bed.

      Even though alcohol, cigarettes and heavy meals may make you feel sleepy, they can cause insomnia. Once they are out of your system, you wake up.

      Sleeping pills can be used occasionally to help break the pattern, but remember your insomnia will pass.

    * Discuss your anxieties with an understanding friend or family member, or write them down in a journal. Counselling will help you deal with ongoing grief difficulties.

    * Don't keep busy right up to bedtime, take 30 minutes to prepare and unwind. Hot milk contains an amino acid that helps induce sleep. A warm bath can be soothing. Reading a light book can give you something to think about. Relaxation exercises or listening to gentle music also helps prepare you for sleep; watching television in bed will not.

    * A prime cause of insomnia is the fear that you won't get to sleep; tell yourself you will have a good, restful sleep.

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